Some Books I Read, 2020, Nonfiction

 Well, here we are! 2020 is almost over. Last year at this time, I rounded up my top five reads of the year in both nonfiction and fiction categories and wrote two posts about them. I think it is a good way to look back and reflect on what made an impact. I have meet my reading goal for the year, which was one more than the previous year. Even though supporting two distance learners meant I did not read/listen as much during the week, one can tell looking at my full list that I dove in and indulged for the sake of distraction. Another thing that confirms this is that my reading this year has been noticeably fiction-heavy. No regrets whatsoever. It's been the longest year in most people's living memory and whether I was processing deep issues or looking for blissful distraction, books have been more essential than ever to me personally. Even if non fiction was somewhat less prominent, there have been quite a few excellent reads, so no trouble putting together the top five.

Raising Human Beings, by Dr Ross Greene. Have I mentioned my new friend, Dr Greene? If we have spoken about kids, I probably have. This was not the first book of his I read, that was The Explosive Child. The title of it makes the focus and application sound much narrower than it actually is, but I still prefer Raising Human Beings, even though it covers a lot of the same topics. This book is not just my top five fiction this year, it's actually my top parenting book of all time. It's validating, it makes sense, its usefulness easily overflows from parent-child relationships to relationships in general. It does require an open mind if you are a proponent of traditional parenting values. 

The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander. One thing this book has in common with the previous one is that it's bigger than it sounds. Mass incarceration influences more than you may think, it is caused by more than you think, and it means more than you think. If you've ever wondered why the justice system is so broken, how racism is so pervasive, read this book. Especially read it if you are white. Yes, even if you are or have been poor. I would even say read this before White Fragility. It explains history and context in a way that makes it all come together in an immense, intricate, all encompassing, and horrifying picture. If you are learning about race issues, this is a must read. 

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel A Van der Kolk. As far as popular psychology goes, it is my entirely subjective observation that trauma is the new anxiety. It's a popular topic for psychology blogs articles and self help books. I'm fine with trends. They tend to bring a topic to the foreground and increase understanding. If sometimes a slight too many things are assigned to it, it's not good, but it's worth the benefit of accessibility of information about something that impacts a lot of people. I do think it's not a moment too soon to learn more about trauma. It did take me months to get through this book, leaving it and reading other things, and coming back when I felt ready to process the content. As you might guess, there are plenty of mentions of trauma in this book which are bound to be hard or impossible to read for many. I wish they would come up with a more trigger friendly version... if that's even possible. Bottom line is that this book contains priceless knowledge about how our brains process trauma, how it can be carried in the most unexpected ways and even mentions another new pet topic of mine: Interoception. 

A Promised Land by Barack Obama. Oh, man. This audiobook is almost thirty hours and it's only half of his expected memoir material from presidential years. Honestly, I would have not taken anything out. I suppose there's no way to keep politics out of this part, but I don't really care. Though in no way perfect, President Obama is a brilliant man with a gift for words, with a rare perspective, and his account is quite enthralling to read, even better if you listen to the audiobook narrated by him personally. I wouldn't even know where to start on individual parts of the book, so I will just share one of my favorite moments. It was when the phone rang very early in the morning with someone on his staff telling him he had been awarded the Nobel Prize for peace. When he hung up the phone, dazed, Michelle asked what it was about. He said he won the Nobel Peace prize, and Michelle said: That's great, honey, then rolled over and went back to sleep. And speaking of Michelle Obama, as a bonus recommendation, also read her book, Becoming. 

Leaders Around Me: Autobiographies of Autistics who Type, Point and Spell to Communicate by Edlyn Vallejo Pena. This is a must have library item for anyone interested in Autism and Disability in general. If you have read The Reason I Jump, and thought it rare that someone is capable of really complex thought but unable to communicate in conventional ways, this book will show you otherwise. Also keep this in mind for anyone looking to read about Autism from an Autistic perspective, especially that of Autistics with high support needs. Something that most people have a hard time with is understanding how discrepant different skills can be in the same individual. You know how you are really good at languages but you suck at math, right? There are people who write books who need help with activities of daily living. We may even understand this on a rational level, but still expect people around us to have relatively similar levels of skills for most things. I know first hand how hard can be to actually absorb this knowledge and live the words: "presume competence". I think reading about people who defy expectations can only do us good. 

As always, I'm happy to exchange thoughts or expand on any of these or other books. Happy Solstice!

Let me Tell you About Some Books I Read (part 2)

Finally, the stars have aligned for me to write about my 2019 top five fiction reads. It's going to be hard, and many books I loved will not make this list, so if you want more recommendations, let me know. I am always happy to talk books.

My tastes in fiction are possibly even more eclectic than nonfiction. What I probably enjoy most is good fantasy, but that's not easy to find, especially such that meets my standards. I also read most of the Harry Potter series with my kids. It reminded me that prose doesn't have to be perfect to draw the reader in, or in this case even millions of readers. There are great lessons for aspiring writers in that series. Then there is some guilty pleasure reading, or as I now try to think of it, pleasure reading, which this year for me was the Sookie Stackhouse books. I never would have picked them up if I hadn't heard an interview with Charlaine Harris on a writers' podcast. I don't even remember what she said, but it was enough to pick up the first one. Then I continued to read them in between more literary reads. They're terrible, but they're fun and I feel no shame in saying so.

But here is the short list I would recommend to almost anyone even with no parameters:

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern - This is fantasy with masterful setting and dialogue and no fantasy tropes. Pulls you in right away and the story builds until you're in the middle of a magical world, and you want the answers, but you don't want it to end. It is one of those books you finish and you feel satiated with magic, but also sad because you can never again read it for the first time.

The Almost Sisters by Joshilyn Jackson - I have now read most of what she wrote, mostly in the form of audiobooks narrated by the author, so I feel a kind of familiarity that is almost like a peculiar way of knowing someone. A common theme for her books are southern culture, strong female characters, a niche occupation that plays a part in character development that is researched to painstaking depth, and a big question that you want answered badly, but is still not the only reason you keep reading. Joshilyn Jackson has such a unique voice that I believe I would recognize a page of her writing easily in a blind test. It's intelligent and witty in a candid and unassuming way. I have summarized her writing before as "entertainment with depth". A pleasure read that invites no guilt. This book is just the perfect paragon of everything I love about J.J. Content Warning for assault.

Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi - I love that books can help me (almost) experience the lives of people in different times, places and cultures than my own. This is certainly one such book. The review I wrote right after I read it said "This is the closest thing to a perfect book I have read in a really long time". Each chapter is about a different character in the same family tree. I would come to love the character enough to be sad the chapter is over, but then immediately get invested in the next one. Only a great writer can do that. It's really hard to read at times. Content warning: includes depictions of assault, abuse and slavery.

The Overstory by Richard Powers - This book is immense. Like the previous one, there are many different characters, but the story is even bigger. I did stall with my reading maybe a third of the way in and read some other things before I went back to it. I would never call it perfect, but it's just so astonishingly ambitious in scope, I have to admire that. And if you come to me after you start this and you say: Really? Are you sure about this one? Yes, yes I am. Keep reading, and then let me know when you are ready to talk about how amazing trees are and how evil capitalism is and what we're going to do about it. Side effects include suddenly no longer feeling bad about slacking off on yard work. I know this sounds a bit strange, but it'll all make sense after you read it. Content warning for suicide.

The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman - Hey! It's Neil Gaiman! The thing about him and me is that it wasn't always smooth sailing (ha!). The first book of his I read was American Gods and it went something like: Whoa, cool! Then: That's brilliant! Then: Wait, what? Then: Wow, I wish I had thought of that. Then: Who the hell does this guy think he is? If you've read him before, you know what I mean. There's genius, there's skillful writing, there's absolutely ridiculous plot points no one could possibly get away with, and it all somehow works. Gotta love and hate that guy. But after reading this one, it's mostly love and appreciation with moments of: Of course he just did that. This story has perfect storytelling, magic, whimsy and a hearty side of weird. That's Neil Gaiman in a nutshell. Or a bucket. You'll get it when you read it. Then you'll see what I did there. As a bonus, there's a great personal story that I now always think of when I think about impostor syndrome.
Here is one of my favorite quotes from the book. Accessibility text: I'm going to tell you something important. Grown-ups don't look like grown-ups on the inside either. Outside, they're big and thoughtless and they always know what they're doing. Inside, they look just like they always have. Like they did when they were your age. The truth is, there aren't any grown-ups. Not one, in the whole wide world.

If you've read these, I would love your thoughts, and also any recommendations as I am building my 2020 reading list. Much love and a Happy New Year!

Let Me Tell You About Some Books I Read (part 1)

“Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

It's been a really good year on the reading front. I have kept up tracking my books via Goodreads, and I can't be sure, but I have likely read more this year than ever before. Most of them were actually listened, but that counts. Don't contradict me, I will fight you. Most of my audio-books, and some e-books have come from Scribd. I have been subscribed to it for about 18 months now, and it works really well for people who are not specific in most of their reading. If you have tried listening to an audio-book once and decided it wasn't your thing, it may be worth trying again, with another book. Some books are not ideal for the format and there have been narrators I couldn't tolerate for various reasons.

As we are approaching the end of the year, I was reflecting on reaching my reading goal, and someone asked for my top 5. Why if you insist, I will be happy to share. As I was making it, it became clear there was a need for two, so I have one for fiction and non-fiction list. There were quite a few more books I loved that did not make it in the top 5s. You might have to stalk me on Goodreads if you want those.

Non fiction picks in no particular order:

"Educated" by Tara Westover - I read this in January and I still remember it quite well. I know there is a lot of buzz about this right now, but don't pass on it because you think it's trendy. It deserves the publicity. It is an extraordinary story told by a brilliant writer. There is a compelling personal story as well as psychology and cultural topics. Content warning for abuse.

"Shameless: A Sexual Reformation" by Nadia Bolz-Webber - For those who were raised Christian or in a Christianity-influenced culture, it is worth examining the ideas we received about sex, gender and our bodies. I gave it four stars but this book made it into top 5 because it left an impression and I think it's a significant topic.

"Neurotribes: The Legacy of Autism and The Future of Neurodiversity" by Steve Silberman - This one is going to hurt. Some pain is necessary and it comes with growth. This is one such instance. All the books that seem to kill you a little on the inside go into two categories in my mind: worth it and not worth it. The latter makes me furious. The former makes me feel all the things. There is so much trauma and neglect and even downright torture in the history of autism. But this must be known and never forgotten and everyone should read this book. Rest assured, it gets better in the last section, because internet. Not really but kind of. Just read it. Content warnings galore here.

"How to Change Your Mind" by Michael Pollan - The super long subtitle: What the new science of psychedelics teaches us about consciousness, dying, addiction, depression and transcendence. Yeah, it's a mouthful. Or earful. The subtitle led me to slightly inaccurate expectations. There are definitely lessons about all those things, but they're not the main purpose of the book, and they are not served up to the reader, but are there if you think and make your own conclusions. There is a lot of really interesting history, science, personal narrative and if you're like me, you will be gifted with a long-term fascination and appreciation for mushrooms in general.

"Big Magic: Creative Living Without Fear" by Elizabeth Gilbert - Yeah, the Eat, Pray, Love author. She is also the author of my internal conflict around this book. You see I don't do self help books. And I liked this book. So loving this book kind of turned my world upside down. Rude. But I am a forgiving person. There is a lot of good stuff here. It discusses perfectionism, inspiration and a lot of harmful notions about the creative process. Worth reading for all creative people in the widest sense of the word.

Well, my studious friends, I was just going to say a couple of things about each (I know, hilarious), but it turned into mini reviews, so I will end here and put my Fiction top 5 into another post. Please share thoughts on any of these you have read if so inclined, and send me recommendations for reads I don't yet know I need.

Accessibility text: A quote on a white background which reads: "If people don't like what you're creating, just smile at them sweetly and tell them to (in pink capital letters) go make their own fucking art". - Elizabeth Gilbert #"Big Magic"

Seven Guiding Principles for Parenting an Autistic Child

Everyone knows parenting is hard. The line "When you're a parent, it's always something" is so frequently quoted, I don't think it's possible to track down who the original author may have been. Parenting is a skill that is a science, an art and some unnameable arcane category all woven together. Many of us get to learn and practice it under some version of extraordinary circumstances, a situation which I sometimes like to think of as "parenting with a twist". 

A part of this twist for our family is called Autism. Everyone knows about it, most people have misconceptions thanks to stereotyping and some really well-funded fear mongering based fundraising campaigns. As many parents do, I consider it a part of my job to continually learn more about ways to support my kids. When you have an atypical kid, there is a lot more to learn. Because of being a passionate (some might say obsessive) knowledge/information seeker, I have collected a lot of information over the last several years. A frustration with the lack of resource accessibility leads me to be excited to share useful stuff with parents who have relatively newly diagnosed kiddos. Over the last few years, I've met quite a few, and some friends with quirky kids I have loved for years have also been told their kids are "on the spectrum". 

Sometimes at the height of "I have been there, I can help", it's not always easy to choose the most valuable information to share, since the human brain (and especially an overwhelmed one) can only absorb so much. Hence I find the need to try to come up with a short list of most important things to know when your child receives an autism diagnosis. These are things I would tell myself if I could go back in time, and things I will tell every new person looking for insight. 

1. Knowing is important

You may have been told a "label" can be a bad thing, an inescapable burden. This used to be true when kids with disabilities were treated like the broken ones and their abilities were consistently underestimated, before (however imperfect) legal protections were created to ensure access to education and employment opportunities. This struggle is far from over, but the current situation is that a diagnosis will not only help you understand your child and meet their needs, but also obtain services, accommodations and supports. It does not change your child, chances are you have noticed their differences. This is a word for their unique neurology. 

2. Normal is overrated

A lot of parents' goals for their kids are based on a vision of their kid's future life looking as normal as possible. Normal is familiar, and we have been cultured to value it disproportionately. But this can lead to many unintended consequences such as years of time and energy spent on helping them master skills that may be better off accommodating the lack of while they develop their strengths. Eye contact is a great example of this. An autistic person can learn to make and maintain eye contact similarly to a neurotypical one, but this will be at the expense of effective communication. With most, there is a much better chance they will process what you are saying if they are looking away. The accomodation in this case is neurotypical person accepting this difference in communication style.

3. Question your expectations

This ties right onto the previous point about normal being overrated. In this context, normal is neurotypical, as in people with typical neurology. There are behaviors that are expected from kids at home and in educational settings that are fine from neurotypical kids that are just not worth working toward or could even cause harm being pushed onto autistic or otherwise neurodivergent kids. Eye contact example also applies here. As does the "quiet hands" rule many schools have. Many autistic kids have a need to move and fidget with their hands to aid their sensory processing and focus. Not allowing them to meet this need can cause sensory dysregulation and decreased coping skills.

4. Communication needs

There is so much to learn about! Want to focus on one thing at a time? I suggest communication needs. Though the specifics are almost as varied as the spectrum itself, nearly (if not) every autistic person has communication needs their caregivers and support people need to learn about. Another sweeping statement I can safely make is that autistics process visual information much faster than auditory. This is not unique to them, but is especially important. If your child does not speak or has a severe speech delay, look at different visual communication systems and aids even if they are simultaneously working on producing speech. Sign language, PECS (picture exchange communication system), and many different technology based systems are what I know about, but I am sure that is not an exhaustive list.  You may have been told by a teacher or professional that your child does not communicate. This is just not true. Look beyond speech. Communication is so much more than words. This also applies with highly verbal autistic kids with large vocabularies. Most of them will benefit from auditory verbal information being reinforced with visuals, and will always have an easier time processing visual information, especially in a dysregulated state, when their speech skills may not be accessible to them.

5. Always seek out and consider opinions and experiences of autistic people

Whenever possible, ask your child's input for decisions related to their wellbeing. This seems like a no brainer, but most of us don't do it as well as we'd like to. There are many ways to do this besides asking them: how can I help? It can be as simple as asking them how they like working with a professional or teacher or if they do not speak, watch for their reaction to them. Like most of us caregivers, you have probably wished you could have a magic ball so you can see how your decisions would play out long term, and what your child will really appreciate as helpful looking back when they reach adulthood. We can't do that, but we can do the next best thing and ask autistic adults. We now know that autism is not a childhood condition, though it can look different in adulthood,  but even if someone can pass as neurotypical with learned behaviors, they are still autistic and they have a crucial thing in common with our kids. And guess what? They are more than happy to help. I know because I asked.

6. Behavior modification

"Behavior" is quite a buzz word in special education and special needs services. You are likely finding yourself confused and overwhelmed trying to figure out which of your kid's behaviors are a kid thing and which are an autism thing. The good news is that you don't really have to figure this out. If it is a typical kid behavior, your child is still autistic and that is always relevant. If it is a behavior caused by their neurology, it doesn't mean it needs to be changed or eliminated. With every individual behavior modification goal, we first need to consider why we want to change it. If the behavior is the child coping with something and the only negative result is standing out in a group of other children, then it would be worth examining that goal. If it is a behavior that is in some way harmful, figure out the underlying cause. All behavior is communication. They are likely communicating a need. Trying to change behavior without knowing the function it is fulfilling for the child will likely be less effective and may create more problems than it solves.

7. Deal with your feelings

It's complicated. We love our kids. The world is a harsh enough place for people it was made for (and made by). How are we supposed to get them ready for this hostile world when even the experts are redefining their diagnosis every few years? Why do we have to have this additional challenge when parenting is hard enough? It doesn't matter why. We have to, but we also get to. Disability comes with challenges. Ok, that is such an understatement, it's almost funny. But I invite you to join me in challenging the notion that being different, or disabled, or autistic is a tragedy. Because how we feel about it will tell our kids how to feel about it. It will be only one of many such messages, but it is one we actually have control over. So let's make it a message of pride, love and acceptance.



I will stop here in the interest of making this list reasonably short. I may expand on these individual points in the future, and talk about other things to consider. Questions and comments are very welcome. Disclaimer, I am not an accredited autism expert. My perspective is informed by years of learning while parenting and supporting my autistic child, time spent working in the special education world, and information gained from self guided education using a variety of resources.

Psycho-what? A Book Review

Don't you just love Goodreads? I certainly do. Months ago, while looking at a book, I noticed it had been read and reviewed by Bill Gates. Since he qualifies as a person whose reading list I would love to see, I pushed the "follow" button, and now I get to be able to say: Have you read Educated? I loved it, and so did my Goodreads friend Bill Gates. While this alone would have been worth following him, there does also seem to be a good sized chunk of overlap on the Venn diagram of my friend Bill's and my reading interests.

Consequently, when one day my Goodreads feed said he was reading How To Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan, I was intrigued. The rest of the title is: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence. This piqued enough interest for me to pick it up and start reading. My expectations were incorrect in that there was more about psychedelics and less about the lessons about consciousness, dying, addiction, depression and transcendence than I assumed and hoped. Even though this reduced personal relevance, Pollan's talent as a writer and the interesting history of psychedelic research kept me intrigued enough to keep reading.

I have personally never used a psychedelic substance, and did not know any more about them than your average rule following thirty something. Though The Brave New World by Aldous Huxley is one of my favorite classics, I have never read The Doors of Perception. As a literature major, it was fascinating to read about Huxley's role in the history of psychedelics in America.

Pollan gives a fairly in depth history of each of the major psychedelic compound, which was interesting from both a scientific and anthropological standpoint. He writes about key characters and their contributions in his well honed literary voice which made me see them as real people that I had feelings about. I wanted to hang out with Paul Stamets, and throw things at Al Hubbard, both probably bad ideas. His analysis and conclusions are both enthusiastic and sceptical. He does his best to examine issues from multiple perspectives, which gives the impression of coming from not so much a desire to be an impartial investigator as an innate tendency toward critical thinking. This disposition to look for the whole truth, even the parts of it that don't fit neatly into the narrative, makes him come across as a valid reporter. At the same time, I would not in any way guarantee Pollan's reporting to be perfectly objective, but I will be the first to tell you that entirely unbiased thinking is an unachievable, though worthy goal.

Conclusions from recent studies, science behind how the substances actually work and potential and obstacles for future therapeutic use are the least entertaining, yet probably the most useful part of the book. Some of the lessons are actually valuable in our understanding of consciousness, depression and brain function even without any future use of psychedelics. This last information was exactly what I was hoping to gain and what the title promised, though it was ultimately a small part of the overall result. I would not be surprised if I learned that the title was given before the book was finished and that the final product is significantly different from the original objective.

The biggest things that have changed for me after reading this book: I have an increased understanding of the hippie movement and the drug hysteria that ensued, a renewed interest in meditation, a curiosity about shamanism (religion being an enduring interest), and a budding fascination with mushrooms in general (you guys, they're really cool).

You know what's a great idea? Let's paint a wall with chalkboard paint!

The following is a public service announcement. Dear friends, family member, or stranger: If you ever decide to paint an entire wall with chalkboard paint, here are some things to know.

#1: Don't. If you take this advice, your life will continue in blissful unknowing of the struggle this entails, and you don't need to know anything else about chalkboard paint.

#2: If you disregard my first tip and decide you really want to paint a wall with chalkboard paint, please reconsider. If you decide that your heart is set on this project and my advice will not sway you... you should know:

#3: This stuff is messy. Not regular paint messy. I am talking "I swear I didn't touch that, why is there paint on it" and "soak through the drop-cloth to the carpet" kind of messy. Plan accordingly. Have drop-cloths with plastic backing or any such impermeable barrier if you care about your carpet coming out of this unscathed. Also, prepare to take the time while cutting to do it carefully and also have something on hand to clean up right away. The reason it is so messy is that it is so thin, if you get even just a little too much on your brush or roller, it will be dripping everywhere. It's like trying to eat soup with a fork. It takes a lot of work, a lot of time, and after a while you may decide you are not that hungry.

#4 Another side effect of the consistency is that you have to apply it very thin even though you don't get much opacity with one thin layer. If you try to paint thicker because you think you know better than me, you will turn your smug little face for a minute and look back at the freshly painted part of the wall to find it running with dripping paint, like tears on the face of a soap opera character. Then you will wish you had listened to me.

#5 Do not try to go back over the running paint to smooth it out. Stop looking at it like that. Step away and count to ten, take a deep breath, whatever you have to do. If you have no self control and you try to do it anyway, you will find that the new paint on your brush is sticking to the previously applied paint and lifting it off the surface of the wall. At this point, if you're pretty chill like me, you will not be freaking out yet, but you may notice expletives start to escape your determined little face hole. Just keep going and spread it thin. This would be a good time to make sure there are no children around.

#6 After your first coat is on, you will step away to check out your work and realize it looks like crap. As you wait for it to dry, you may want to do something that makes you regain your faith in yourself as a capable adult. Listen to me. You are not a failure. You're good enough, you're smart enough and goshdarnit, people like you! Now I have good news and bad news. Bad news is there's no turning back. Stop crying. Good news is that it will get better. I'm here with you.

#7 After you put on a second coat, you will look at the wall and conclude that is looks sorta better, but not really. Go back to doing whatever makes you feel good about yourself.

#8 After the third coat, you will probably need to go back to the store for more paint. You need about 3 quarts for a small to medium sized wall. Yes, I know it's expensive. Do you want a constant reminder of that time you decided to do a chalkboard wall and it turned out to be a disaster? I didn't think so.

#9 Keep painting as many coats as it takes to make it look even-ish. When you are all done cleaning up the spills and nicks, you may stand back and try not to think about how much time it took. If you did this for a child, have them come into the room and watch them be swept off their feet with this totally rad thing they have in their room. It may be something like giving birth. You remember the mess and the pain, but you just barely think about it because you feel triumphant. If you did not do this for a child, but yourself, be proud. You have been through a grueling experience and emerged victorious. Also, you have a chalkboard wall. How cool is that?

I Totally Got This

I love getting older. All the experience and learning I acquire is worth the extra cellulite and more imperfect complexion. As much as the 20 year old me had better skin and a nicer figure, that young woman lacked the confidence to enjoy it. She was a people-pleaser, not as open minded as she thought, and sometimes (maybe compensating for the overall lack of confidence), downright arrogant. 

I was fortunate enough to meet the love of my life then, preceded by a very minimal number of relationships with total jerks/incompatible boyfriends. Right after getting married, probably owing partially to both our relative maturity and partially to (let's be honest) biology, we had the burning desire to become parents. 

After the initial adjustment to pregnancy, I settled in and enjoyed it thoroughly, and toward the end of it I found myself feeling like "I totally got this". The Universe snickered and said (in a slightly maniacal Jim Carey voice) something like: Oh, feeling confident, are you? Surprise, you get to give birth five weeks early! Planning on breastfeeding, are you? Plot twist! You don't get to be with your baby for two weeks, and then he will be super sleepy for another two after he's home. Then his appetite will double instantly when he's done being a sleepy newborn recovering from his NICU time.

I get through all of this, and start to enjoy my happy big baby who sleeps well. And again, apparently having learned nothing, I go: I totally got this. 

Universe: Well aren't you great at this parenting thing? But just wait. Your son is a brilliant child who comes with a side of a unique combination of challenges which means you have to become five different kinds of therapists. But I am sure you will do great! 

So I take my regained humility and plug away at learning how to parent my exceptional little boy. Then I give birth to his little sister and she is an easy to please baby and undoubtedly neurotypical. And I fall into the trap again.

Me: "I totally got this! With all of my experience, how hard can it be?" 

Universe: You are feeling confident again, that's cuuute. Maybe you forgot that your daughter is a feisty little feminist and you love that about her, but she is Montenegrin, German, Irish and Welsh (translation: the kind of stubborn that makes mules look like pushovers)... When she is not making your soul swell with pride and joy, she will be making you imagine yelling bad words and breaking things while you use your calm mom voice. 

And so as before, having been knocked down a notch and braced for the challenge, I get philosophical and contemplate the never-ending cycle of torture, learning and love. I allow myself to wallow briefly before admitting I wouldn't have it any other way, then having a good chuckle at my own expense, because if you look at it from just the right angle, that is some funny shit. 

To Mothers

It's Mother's Day, and I woke up with a head full of a whole range of thoughts and so many mixed emotions. My four year old crawled into bed next to me and feeling her warmth and smelling her head once again gave me that sensation of peace and contentment I can always rely on. Brain chemistry at its best, it was my first of today's reminders what a fortune it is to have two thriving children.

Then, in a natural progression, I think of my mother, and I start to feel guilty. As much as I miss her, what ache must she feel to have one of her children so far from her arms. For a moment, I look at it from her point of view, and I wonder if it makes me a terrible daughter to have moved across that vast ocean. I know she does not blame me for this, but having grown up as a painfully responsible mature older child of a single mother, if there is anything to feel guilty about, I am pretty much guaranteed to.

I know not all mothers are incredible selfless people who make their overly conscientious children feel guilty for all the right reasons. I know there are people who have less than positive relationships with their mothers, who instead wish they had one they could gush about, like everyone today seems to be dutifully doing. I know people with mothers who have passed on, whose voices they wish they could hear, rightfully envious of my ability to get annoyed at my mother for being a bit too suspicious of my assurance that I am fine and don't need to go to the doctor for a little cold.

Having had the honor of providing remembrance photography for mothers who have lost their children, I can't help but think of what this day means for them. They are mothers just like the more fortunate ones, left to wonder why it was them left with a few little mementos and their endless grief. If you know one, don't avoid her, acknowledge her pain and ask what you can do. Supporting each other is important enough to endure unpleasant conversations.

Thinking of support, I inevitably think of my community of moms of children with special needs, where advice, guidance and encouragement are always sure to be provided to those who need it. It is a camaraderie, a sort of sisterhood formed by this invisible bond, by that instant mutual understanding contained in the look, smile and nod when we recognize each other, and by a special quality in the love for our atypical kids. The way a mother loves her children has variations that correspond to those in the children's personality. I am not trying to speak for everyone, but from what I know, the way you love a child with differences, a child who requires more love and more parenting is different. I have searched for words to accurately describe this, but I always come back to the phrase "furious love". There is a particularly raw intensity to it that comes from the understanding that you are preparing this child for a world that was not made for them, a world that may not always see their value, It comes from being the only one who truly understand the beauty of their exceptional mind. It is a powerful thing to have in common, and I believe it plays a significant role in creating these invaluable relationships.

And it turns out that this line of thoughts is actually a circle, bringing me back to where I started, to the children I get to mother. Watching them and thinking about them regularly takes my breath away, and very stereotypically, I feel like the luckiest person in the world. Knowing that the emotions related to motherhood are mostly caused by biology does nothing to diminish the power they have over me, and I am alright with that.

The Other Half of the Truth

Like most people these days, I have a Facebook account. As much as it can be a black hole for free time, it is useful to me in so many ways. See, where I live now is 5124.7 miles (8247.4 km) from where I grew up. Yeah, those are the exact numbers. They are big numbers but they just don't seem to convey how vast that distance feels. I do video calls with a few people, but it is hard to find time to talk to everyone I want to keep up with. Some would say this is very American of me, but I can't help but appreciate the efficiency of being able to share my kid pictures and see what my friends and family are up to within minutes. That is the most important but not the only reason I keep my profile up and spend some time interacting most days of the week.

Lately, I have seen quite a few blog posts and statuses discussing what seems to have become a culture of carefully built online personalities containing varying amounts of truth. I have no way of knowing how frequently social media users post information that is purposefully misleading, but I imagine most people are selective about what part of the truth they share. I am going to take that even farther and say that everyone does it. And this habit is much older than Facebook and Twitter. Even with in person interaction, people are always holding something back, choosing what to share.  Social media just works in a way that amplifies this, thanks to greater control and lack of context.

I am well aware that judging solely based on my Facebook profile, a person would only know a part of the truth about me. And because of the information that is not there, they might make some wrong conclusions. I will take a few of them and correct them in an attempt to make my social media personality a little closer to real.

- I am almost always happy. This should be obviously untrue. This illusion is created by my tendency to only be "social" when I am in a good mood, because I don't like to be a Debby Downer and because I share my misery with a different friends list, which is about 290 people shorter than the Facebook one.
- I am a perfect mother. (insert sarcastic chuckle) Of course not. I don't even know if this beast exists, but it is certainly not me. I post fun things I do with my family because those are the pictures my family and friends want to see. I post about how much my kids love reading and science because I am proud of their nerdiness which I so carefully foster. Every once in a while I post a parenting fail, but most of the time I don't feel confident enough to point out the ways in which I suck. If I were, I would tell you that my skill of patience which I so arduously work on actually fails me quite often, and that my kids consume more sugar than they should and that every once in a while I turn on cartoons so I can take a nap.
- I am wise and articulated. This may be true sometimes but it doesn't come as easily as my posts may lead one to believe. I do and say plenty of stupid things. Not that these things negate the smart things I do and say, but I am not going to show them off to everyone I know.
- I have no problems. Another obviously untrue one. I do have problems, and I so share them with select people, I just don't think my status is the right place to do that. If I am honest, it is mostly to avoid unsolicited advice, and to protect this thing called privacy.

These are some of the untruths, now replaced with revelations of only a few of the ways in which I am deeply flawed. I am not usually brave enough to be this frank but if anything is to be of my ambition to become a writer, this is barely a start.





I would like to read some opinions in the comment section.

My Toddler Morning Hair Solution

I knew this blog would be pretty random, but this post might be taking that to the next level. I am going to describe what I do when my daughter's cute curls turn into a mad scientist 'do overnight. I have observed many other toddlers' hair is the same, so I am sharing this in case it might help someone else. I know a lot of people go to short haircuts as a solution but I love my girl's hair and so does she, so I was determined to find an alternative. It turned out simple and quick.

All you need is a spray bottle, a tiny amount of conditioner and some warm water. I use a 3 oz travel spray bottle I picked up at Target. I think it works well because it produces a nice fine mist. Put less than a dime-size amount of conditioner in, fill it most of the way with water and shake. Then just spray a few times, and brush gently starting from ends and working up. It is really quick, the knots come right out. For us, spraying and brushing takes less than a minute. This might work with a detangler, but I like this much better because it leaves much less residue and feels much lighter. Not to mention the cost is only a fraction compared to that of detangler/leave-in conditioner. The 3 oz bottle lasts at least a couple of weeks. I plan on getting some pure aloe gel soon and trying this instead of conditioner. I will update with results.

Living With OCPSD

What is OCPSD? It stands for Obsessive Compulsive Problem Solving Disorder. How do you know if you have it? These are the most common signs:

- You have a powerful urge to come up with solutions to every problem you are presented with.
- You experience severe distress whenever you encounter a problem you cannot solve.
- The urge to problem-solve is just as strong when someone else's problem is in question.
- You frequently hear: "That is a great idea, why didn't I think of it?"
- You also frequently hear "Yeah, I've tried that already".
- When your friend tells you about a problem, you usually have an idea for them before they've finished telling you how frustrated they are, and can hardly wait until they are done to present your solution.
- You frequently get a feeling the people you are trying to help are annoyed at you because they were just venting, and not looking for advice.
- You wonder if you are overly sympathetic.
- You can't stop problem-solving.

If you identify with all or most of the symptoms above, you may have OCPSD.

Treatment: There is no known treatment for this disorder, possibly because I just made it up today.

Some things you can try:

- When a family member, friend or acquaintance is talking to you about their issues, take a deep breath and listen.
- Quickly analyze the conversation to determine if they are looking for solutions or not.
- If you determine they are looking for solutions, go ahead and fix everything for them.
- If you determine otherwise, say these words: "I am sorry, that sounds frustrating". Then shut up.
- It may be helpful to have something to drink to keep yourself from talking. If that fails, try stuffing your face with any food that may be available.
- If none of this works, spit it all out (the words, not the food) and blame it on OCPSD.

I have been affected with this disorder since I can remember, and I decided to write about it to let others know they are not alone. So fellow OCPSD-ers, feel free to comment to say "Hi" and offer a solution or two.

Review of "I am Malala" by Malala Yousafzai and Christina Lamb

I just finished this book and I wanted to write the review while still under the influence of emotion from the moment of closing the back cover. The first thing I did was log into Goodreads, mark it as "finished" and give it a rating. Something pretty strange happened. I gave it five out of five stars. If you looked at my ratings, you would find that most of the books I liked have four, and five star ratings are reserved for Borges, Fitzgerald and Huxley. So even on my virtual bookshelf, Malala seems to have a knack for finding herself in good company.

This autobiography, however, shares the high place for different reasons. My rating does not reflect the quality of writing or my enjoyment while reading it, but the importance that I feel it deserves. In addition to Malala's extraordinary story, the book contains a lot of background information about history, politics and culture of the Swat Valley, the Pashtun and Pakistan. There is also a lot of detail about her family, her every day life and how it changed with the events in her country. This causes the story to read slowly at times, especially throughout the middle third of the book. On the other hand, as much as perhaps all of it was not necessary to include, it was ultimately valuable information. The historical and political background really puts the story in context. The details of her life make Malala more real and relatable. So if you are reading this book and become annoyed with me because of descriptions of a sixth grade field trip or wondering why you need to know how Pakistan came to be as a country, be patient and keep reading, they are all important details of the big picture.

In the end, every aspect that I doubted while reading became understandable. It reads like amateur writing in much of the text, but this is also necessary in my opinion. This is a teenage girl telling her remarkable life story with the help of an author who is (as I imagine) trying to help her in writing as much as possible while still preserving the girl's young voice. Describing her homeland and its culture, Malala comes of as what I would call a realistic patriot. She is very cognizant of the things about her country that are unfair and self-destructive, as she shows unconditional love and devotion.

The aspect of this work that really takes its value to the next level is the knowledge it gives the reader about the history of Pakistan, the Swat Valley, Islam, the Pashtun culture. Perhaps most informatively, it offers insight about the Taliban and the methods they used to take and maintain control of their target areas as well as a local family's point of view of the events in the last several years, including the US military involvement.

I believe I have so far provided my opinion and information on this book without spoiling it for future readers, but it would be hard to keep writing about it without revealing too much. The bottom line is that I recommend this book (I know, shockingly unexpected!), and would love to hear other opinions and reviews from those who have read it.

The Good, the Bad, and the Irony

“This is a story about a family and, as there is a ghost involved, you might call it a ghost story. But every family is a ghost story. The dead sit at out tables long after they have gone.”

― Mitch Albom, For One More Day

Faced with a choice of one topic that carries a lot of emotional weight for me, cancer is the perfect candidate. Why? I am a cancer orphan. It has profoundly affected my life since I was an infant. My dad died a week after his 26th birthday, creating a shadow to be present in every important time and place. This piece is about what that means for me. There will be thoughts known to my friends, and some I have longed to express but never found the right words.

To start chronologically, I remember no particular moment of realization that I was missing a parent and that this was something tragic. The normal was my mother, sister and I, and this did not seem unusual until I became old enough to really notice that most kids had two parents. This was when I started asking questions, and also when I stopped asking questions, discovering there were words that stirred emotions that were too overwhelming to process. My information came from photo albums and listening in on conversations between adults on a rare evening of melancholic reminiscence. For the sake of context, I should add that I grew up in a culture where funerals are attended in much higher numbers than weddings, and grieving is considered a form of respect for the dead. The death of a young person is mostly regarded as the ultimate tragedy, and often too unbearable to even talk about. There is usually a change of tone when someone says the word "cancer", as if speaking about a monster that might wake up if you cay its name.

Even though part of me always wondered why it is such a big deal to have a single parent, and things always seemed to work well for us, the shadow was always there. Not talking about it seemed only to intensify the feeling, as if our unified avoidance somehow made it more real. Make no mistake, this was not the spooky kind of shadow. It was the warm, comforting kind, reminding us that we are the most tangible part of this presence that most can only remember.

By the time I was ten I felt that I had a fairly good grip on things. I had reassured my best friends that it is perfectly fine to talk about their dads, and my whole life up until then was more than enough time to come to terms with this. And then there was a time when a teacher was filling out information about the parents' occupations and he had the students get up one at a time and say their parents' names and what they did for a living. I did have that slight feeling of dread, but I was still sure it would be OK. When it was my turn I got up and said my mother's name and job and said my father's name, but when asked the other question, I could not bring myself to utter a sound. This incident pretty much destroyed my hopes of not being treated differently, and eventually resulted in a conclusion that this is something I can't change and a decision to try not to waste energy being frustrated about it.

Growing up, I imagined all my future relationships would be fatally flawed, and vividly saw myself going to a fertility clinic and looking at donor profiles to start a family on my own. I was wrong, and found myself fiercely in love, married, and aching to have children as soon as possible before I was even out of college. Being a chronic over-thinker, this blissful happiness brought about thoughts like "This is what it was like for my parents before everything changed." There were still difficulties, we had to make hard decisions like many young newlyweds. Still there were many breathtakingly happy moments and I frequently thought how my parents were given less than two years of that. When my son was learning to walk, I thought about my mother watching me do the same and feeling the void next to her. There was also the irrational fear that one of us (my husband or I) might not live to celebrate our second wedding anniversary. Of course we did, and have witnessed many milestones together. Then there was the time when I got heartburn for the first time and obsessively googled symptoms of gastric cancer. My research told me the same thing my doctor confirmed at the annual check up the year I turned (you guessed it, 26!), that the genetic factor is far less significant in increasing risk than lifestyle factors, which put me in the lower than average risk bracket.

I am now a few years older than my father ever was. Mostly because I find it makes people uncomfortable, I rarely talk about him, but I still remember being told what high hopes he had for me. I imagine how he would proudly foster my son's obsession with cars, adore my daughter's smile and curls and find much to talk about with my husband. There have been other family and friends who were diagnosed with cancer, most of whom have reached remission. Melodramatic as it may sound, every one of them is my personal hero.

As an incurable optimist, I have to admit that this entire struggle is what has fostered my ability to value every scrumptious meal, every "I love you" and "I'm sorry", every hug and smile and even every argument. It is horrifying to admit that for this talent that makes me a better wife, mother and friend, I have to thank this one human affliction that I most passionately loathe.  It is horrifying, but my friends, you just have to appreciate the irony.

Thoughts about writing/The inaugural first post

The hardest thing about blogging is getting started. Not that I would know, since I have no blogging experience, but I really hope it's true. I feel a bit like I am standing on a stage, and if I don't do something interesting really soon, the tomatoes are going to start flying.
After playing shrink with myself and reassuring that there will be no vegetables thrown in my direction, I will continue with my intention to stop saying that I should really write more and just do it. No expectations. Also, no limitations. At least as far as topics go. This is to give myself no excuse not to post because something I want to write about is unrelated. If it relates to me in any way, it will be on the inter-webs for the world to nod to, judge, or just voluntarily waste time reading.
Writing has never been easy, but always gratifying and worthwhile. Kind of like reading, it's almost never a bad idea.